All friendships are not created equal. While there is value to making new friends, in the same way we should always be prepared to end toxic friendships.
Ending a friendship sucks, but it’s necessary. Research shows that negative social interactions inflame your body. As Dr Jan Yager writes in her book When Friendship Hurts, ‘The romanticized ideal that friendships should not end or fail may create unnecessary distress in those who should end a friendship but hold on, no matter what.’
If you want to be intentional about the people you choose to spend your valuable time with, you’ll need to recognise the red flags that indicate a friendship on its last legs. Cut away the drama of one-sided relationships and you’ll be left with the fulfilling, respectful, symbiotic mateships which make life fun.
Nobody is perfect; it pays to be forgiving. But too many red flags spells trouble. So, what should you be looking out for?
Jokes are always at your expense
If your friend is always putting you down to earn a few cheap laughs, don’t just shrug it off. Stop and contemplate what it says about their respect for you. Jokes that belittle are characterised by psychologists as ‘aggressive humour’ which suggests higher levels of neuroticism and lower levels of agreeableness. Put-down humour’s not pleasant on its own, and it often correlates with a slew of other red flag behaviours.
It’s all about them
Ever feel like more of a conversation slave than a conversation partner? If your mate never stops monopolising the chat, they might just see you as their personal emotional punchbag. Narcissistic friends aren’t likely to celebrate your successes – they’d rather talk about their own dreams and achievements, or just what they had for breakfast. They never ask how you are because they’re so focussed on their own drama; you’re there to console them, tell them how great they are, otherwise stay seen and not heard. You wouldn’t work a job that offered no kind of renumeration – why put up with it in a friendship? It’s a straight energy drain.
They can never be wrong
In a healthy friendship, gracious disagreement strengthens the relationship. According to psychology professor Brett Laursen, ‘Conflicts signal the significance of topics and relationships’ and ‘serve as a vehicle for individual growth and relationship transformation.’ When both parties are confident in themselves and confident in their mate’s thick skin, arguments are an important mechanism for getting to know one another more deeply. A robust debate can even be fun. But for some people a disagreement is a battle that must be won. They won’t be content until they’ve bludgeoned their opponent into agreement. If your friend’s fragile ego leaves no room for you to express your views and be yourself, what’s the point?
They’re always flaking
You’re more surprised when they show up than when they cancel last minute. When they do show you feel like a last resort. Of course, many people lead super busy lives. And the introverts among us can understand the joy of cancelling plans once in a while. But an inability to count on your mate can indicate a lack of investment in the friendship. If they can’t be bothered to show up in the good times, they surely won’t stick up for you when the going gets tough.
They don’t make you feel good
The most important place to look for possible red flags in other people is inside your own body and mind. Even if you can’t quite put a finger on why, if you come away from an interaction feeling worse than you did before, that person is not worth your time. Maybe you find yourself pretending to be someone you’re not in their company. Perhaps they are downright emotionally abusive, manipulating you or gaslighting you. Sadly, research shows that around 10% of verbal bullying cases occur between friends.
This is not an exhaustive list. There are as many possible red flags as there are individuals in the world. But even so, it’s likely that someone came to mind when you read this. Does that mean you should cut them off straightaway? Maybe, if it’s not something you think you can talk out and resolve.
Dunbar’s number suggests that we are only capable of maintaining meaningful relationships with a finite number of people; severing friends with one person means you’ll have capacity to meet someone new. Friend-finding apps like fethr are the perfect place to find new mates who have similar interests and friendship goals.
However you choose to move forward, being conscious and intentional in your friendships will empower you to foster friendships which make the good times even better and support you through hardship. Don’t forget to appreciate those friendship green flags too!
Sign up to fethr here.
